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BUILDING SELF ESTEEM - GOD’S WAY
Pastor Colin Meadows
Many of us don’t like
ourselves! We seem to spend a lot of time telling ourselves and others that we
can’t do things well, that we are not very smart, that we aren’t as good as
other people. We struggle to accept the way we look, the way we talk, our
mannerisms, our habits, our personality, basically to accept ourselves!
As Christians we have been
taught to put others first, but for some that can lead to seeing others as being
more important and of more value than we are. The message we may sometimes give
is that we are somehow inferior to others and not worthy, that we must suppress
ourselves. Some Christians feel so worthless that they say they can contribute
nothing to God’s kingdom. When we feel and say such things about ourselves we
are in danger of having what psychologists call
‘low self-esteem’.
Just what is self-esteem? Self-esteem according to some is that quality we have of being capable
of coping with the realities & demands of life and of experiencing joy and
happiness. In a nutshell it is feeling positive about yourself and your
relationships with others. People with high self-esteem feel worthy within
themselves and accepted by others. If you have high self-esteem, you will feel
good and positive about every part of life – your body, your mind, emotions,
and personality & your interrelationships with others.
The Bible refers to this
concept by the words ‘to love
yourself’. In Lev 19:18b we read “Love your neighbour as yourself. I am
the LORD”. This verse is referred
to at least six times in the NT. See
Matthew 19:19, Mark 12:31, Luke 10:27, Romans 13:9, Galatians 5:14, & James
2:8. These verses challenge us to feel positive about ourselves and accept
ourselves as worthy. The terms
‘self-love/self-esteem/self-worth/self-acceptance are closely related and for
the purposes of this discussion, will be grouped together. It is interesting to
note that the verses referred to do not say “Love your neighbour instead
of yourself” yet some Christians seem to think that they do!
To love oneself is to accept
yourself, as you really are, pimples and all. Do you accept yourself like that?
That is how God accepts us. It is very important that we do accept & love
ourselves for if we are not able to do this, we will struggle to love and accept
others. Let’s explore this further.
Recent statistics quoted from
the Australian Journal of Nutrition & Dietetics 2001 concerning Australian
young people are very disturbing (YFC Australia Catalyst Issue #13, 2002, p.2):
90%
of girls are not happy with their bodies
20%
of 12-15 year olds have depressive or anxiety symptoms
70%
of teens think negatively about themselves
30.5% of girls & 21% of boys aged 13-17 have suicidal thoughts &
weight loss/control problems
The same Youth For Christ
publication listed what they call 10 Low
Self Esteem Indicators:
1. Constantly comparing
yourself with others
2.
Seeking to avoid confrontation with other people
3.
Having self-doubt in attaining goals
4.
Feeling uncomfortable in social settings
5.
Feeling unlovable to the point that no one will ever love you
6.
Your actions are motivated by the need to fit in and be accepted
7.
Not feeling free to speak what you really think and feel
8.
Feeling constantly self conscious & unable to be assertive
9.
Loneliness has caused drug/alcohol usage and/or self-harm
10.
Negative past experiences are preventing you from moving on
For
some people, in an attempt to feel better about themselves, they alter their
eating habits and go on crash diets. To the detriment of their own health
at times, some people have drastically changed their weight and general
appearance. Others resort to cosmetic surgery. In
Men
of an earlier Australian generation grew up in a time when males were expected
to be strong, silent and aggressive. If you were not like that, you were urged
to do all that you could to change. Today there are different indicators that
drive our search for self-esteem - the clothes we wear, what we say & how we
say it, body modification, our mobile phones, the cars we drive, the list is
endless. Is that how we are expected to find our self-esteem and sense of self
worth? What if we can’t afford these things? What if you try these various
methods and still fall short? What happens then?
For
some people at this point, their negative feelings about themselves and the pain
of living overwhelm them. They may start to experiment with substance abuse and
self-harm. The ultimate expression of wanting to be free of our self is suicide.
In 1999, every 17 hours somewhere in
Linked
in with these issues is the illness of depression. This illness affects the
whole body, not just the mind, with around 20% of Australians touched by it in
their lifetimes. It is the leading cause of alcoholism, drug abuse and other
addictions, with at least half of those suffering from the illness not getting
proper treatment. Untreated depression is said to be the number one cause of
suicide. There is a significant
relationship between depression and a lack of self-esteem (Trobish, 1980:39).
We
find in God’s Word a different approach to building our self-esteem and
feelings of self worth. As we have already noted the Bible tells us that we are
to love others, as we love ourselves. The Greek word used for love here
is agapao, that sacrificial love that
is distinctly Christian. This word is used to describe the attitude of God
towards his son. Such love can be known only from the action it prompts. It is
not an emotional impulse but rather a steady constant concern for the ultimate
good of the one being love. Do we have a steady & constant concern for our
own well-being?
At
this point many Christians rightly express reservations. They say that Christ
told us to deny ourselves. See Matt 16:24 “If anyone comes after me he
must deny himself…” Or we could read John 12:25 “The man who loves
his life will lose it while the man who hates his life in this world will keep
it for eternal life”. See also Luke 14:26 “If anyone …does not hate
his own life, he cannot be my disciple”. Do we have a conflict here? No we
don’t. In these verses Jesus wants to explain the costs involved in being a
disciple of his. Christ is seeking to highlight that love for Him must come
first above all other relationships. His way is to be chosen above our way. We
are thus not to be self-centred and selfish but rather Christ- centred. In
living that way, he is not calling us to hate ourselves, but rather to hate and
leave behind the self-centred way that we have been living.
This
is thus not in conflict with loving & accepting ourselves, in having
positive self-esteem & a sense of self-worth. Such self-esteem excludes
self-centredness. Such self-esteem is based on God’s assessment of us, on the
value he places on each human being.
Let
us for a moment examine Ps 139:1-16. This amazing psalm explains that God
knows everything about us. He knows our every move, our every thought and word.
We can’t go anywhere to escape his presence. He created us and his eye saw our
unformed body (139:16). He knows the exact number of our days here on
earth even before we took our first breath. He created us in his image and
likeness, as we read in Gen 1:26. Then he blessed humanity. In Gen
1:31 we read, “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good”.
The psalmist takes up this same truth in 139:14 when he exclaims, “I
praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are
wonderful, I know that full well”.
We thus have the clear
teaching that God has made us in his image and likeness, that all that he made
was good and that he says we are special, even in our present condition as
fallen humanity or sinners. That is the foundation where to begin to build our
self-esteem. The Bible says that we are special in God’s eyes, of incredible
value and worth. You are unique and have unique gifts that he wishes to use.
There is only one you in the world. Because God has such an opinion about us, we
should feel the same way about others and ourselves.
When
we accept ourselves in this way, we are free to love others. Love of self is the
foundation of our love for others. Psychologists tell us that we are not
born with a sense of self-love, but rather it is acquired through our lives (Trobish,
1980:9). How then can it be acquired? We must learn to let ourselves we loved.
We must learn to accept the love & affirmation that is being offered to us,
from parents, friends & from God himself. This must take place not only in
infancy but throughout our lives. As we are exposed to love from others, we must
further be willing to receive this love and affirmation into our hearts. When
someone says something that affirms you, receive it graciously. Don’t just
shrug it off or say ‘Oh, you’re just kidding!” When we respond like that
we are not receiving the love & affirmation that others are offering us.
However some people they seem
to be in a vicious circle. They can’t reach out in love to others because they
don’t love themselves. They have been criticised and put down throughout their
lives and now do not like themselves. Trusted people may have even abused them
& now they feel worthless. How can their situation be changed? Only by
allowing the love of Christ into their lives can this vicious cycle be broken.
Christ accepts us just as we are, unconditionally, making it possible for us to
accept ourselves just as we are.
In
Rom 15:7 We read “Accept one another, just as Christ accepted you, in
order to bring praise to God”. God accepted us unconditionally before we had
done anything to deserve his acceptance. We must let ourselves be loved by God.
Don’t push his love away as though he doesn’t mean it. See 1 John 4:19 “We
love because he first loved us”. God loves us so much that he offered up his
son for us.
Steps in
Building Self-Esteem: Psychologists say that self-esteem can be
built in the following ways:
►
Pedigree – where did I come from, who am I? Where are my roots &
links with the past? What are my family connections and relationships? The
stronger these factors are, the safer I may feel & the stronger my
self-esteem. As Christians we have incredible family connections, being sons and
daughter of the living God. God is our father and our name as Christian
signifies a new birth. We are sons and daughters of the king. We have been
adopted into God’s family by faith, not through our own efforts. In Rom
8:17 we read we are full heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ. We are “a
chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God” (1
Peter 2:9). God has accepted us unconditionally and has promised to care for
us and to never leave us. Ephesians
1:3-14 is a critical passage of the Bible when it comes to reminding us of who
we are in Christ.
►
Role Performance – what do I do, my abilities & achievements? How
well am I doing in the various areas of my life. As Christians, God has acted in
Christ to bring about a radical role performance change in our lives. God
accepts us now because of what Christ has done for us on the cross. Thus it is
not up to us to prove ourselves worthy. We have been justified by faith &
have peace with God (Romans 5:8), cleansed of our sin, able to stand perfect
before God because of the sacrificial death of Christ.
►
Being loved by another – when we are the object of love by another.
Initially in life this is usually our parents but then may transfer to someone
else. As these people affirm us, not just in childhood but also through the days
of our lives, so our self-esteem grows. As Christians, God loves us
unconditionally. “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we
were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8) Through the death of
Christ, we see the overwhelming love of God. In John 15:13 we read,
“Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for
his friends”. That is the extent
of God’s love for us.
►
Eternal significance – to make our mark in the world, to make a
contribution that is valued. Our self-esteem grows when we feel that our lives
are significant, that all will not fade when we die. As Christians, God wants to
use us for His purposes. In Jeremiah 29:11 we read ‘“For I know the
plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to
harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”’ He has a special plan for
each of us, a unique role that he wants us to play. Furthermore, our lives do
not end when we die physically. We will live on with him forever. Our lives thus
have eternal significance.
As we allow God to build our
self-esteem, so we will be better able to reach out to others and affirm them in
their lives. You can gauge how you are growing with your sense of self-esteem by
looking at this listing (YFC Australia Catalyst Issue #13, 2002, p.2):
10 Healthy Self Esteem Indicators
- You have confidence that you
can be yourself
- Don’t compare yourself with
others
- Are able to say no when it is
appropriate
- Are open and honest with
yourself and others
- Have the ability to set goals
& strive to attain them
- Able to solve problems &
not just worry about life
- Are able to take risks
- Ability to confront or
eliminate the things that frighten
- Look after yourself in all
areas of your life
- Are able to stand firm for
what you believe
Important
Bible Verses to meditate on
‘…And
surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age’ (Matthew 18:20)
‘For
no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ…’ (2
Corinthians 1:20)
‘…My
grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness…’ (2
Corinthians 12:9)
‘Let
us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.’
(Hebrews 10:23)
‘…Because
God has said “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say
with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do
to me?”’ (Hebrews 13:5-6)
‘The
Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is
patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to
repentance.’ (2 Peter 3:9)
Some
practical steps in combating depression
(adapted from Martin Luther’s writings)
- Avoid being alone. Isolation
from others feeds depressive thinking.
- Seek out positive people who
will encourage you.
- Allow music to lift your soul.
- Dismiss negative &
damaging thoughts from your mind.
- Read key passages of God’s
Word to feed your soul.
- Pray for others who are
struggling like you.
- Be patient with yourself.
We can become too critical of ourselves.
- Take up some form of exercise.
- Allow God to teach you through
the whole experience.
In
conclusion: No one can make you feel inferior without your
consent. Resist the negatives as they come day by day, no matter what the
source. Remind yourself of whom you
are in Christ, loved by God and accepted into his family unconditionally. Christ
has done it all for you. As you begin to grow in awareness of your position in
Christ, seek to affirm others in the same way. God wants to use you as a
catalyst of change and encouragement in the lives of others.
Disclaimer
THE CONTENTS OF
THIS PUBLICATION ARE INTENDED ONLY AS A GUIDE TO THE ISSUES DISCUSSED. THE
AUTHORS AND PUBLISHERS EXPRESSLY DISCLAIM ALL AND ANY LIABILITY TO ANY PERSON,
IN RESPECT OF ANYTHING, OR THE CONSEQUENCES OF ANYTHING, DONE OR OMITTED TO BE
DONE, BY ANY PERSON IN RELIANCE, WHETHER WHOLLY OR PARTIALLY, UPON THE
STATEMENTS CONTAINED WITHIN THIS PUBLICATION.
Further
Reading
Carlson
D.D., Counseling & Self-Esteem (Dallas:
Word Publishing, 1988)
McGrath
A. &McGrath J. The Dilemma of
Self-Esteem (Wheaton: Crossway Books, 1992)
Morris
P.D., Love Therapy (Wheaton: Tyndale House, 1974)
Nordtvedt,
M., Defeating Despair & Depression (Chicago: Moody, 1976)
Trobish
W., Love Yourself (Rhein: Editions
Trobish, 1980)
YFC
Pastor
Colin Meadows
6/1/2005
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